What He Wants
by xotakux2002x
Summary: If that he is a member of Akatsuki, then what he wants is to bother Konan with personal problems.  Yaoi, implied sasodei.


Konan had a problem. Well, technically it was Deidara who had the problem, but because the blond didn't appear to be doing anything to address said problem, Konan knew that it was only a matter of time before Deidara came to her with this little issue and dragged her into it. Hence the reason his problem was also hers. But, back to the actual problem at hand.

Lately, Deidara had been walking around the base with a variety of injuries. At first it had just been a black eye, and not even a bad one at that. Then a week or two later, there was a goose egg lump on his head. Another time, Konan hand noticed matching bruises around the blond's hips. The list went on and on in a similar fashion. Now, under normal circumstances it would be perfectly reasonable to write off black eyes and bruised heads as one of the many casualties of being a criminal outlaw, but Konan couldn't dismiss these injuries as battle wounds, namely because they were so oddly placed without any sort of damage to the surrounding flesh, and more importantly because around the time these injuries started popping up, Sasori and Deidara had become rather tense in each other's presence.

Konan was certain that Sasori was somehow linked to these wounds; she knew that the redhead had made it known on multiple occasions that he viewed the blond as nothing more than a burdensome brat, but lately relations between the two had appeared to be improving. If things were deteriorating between the artists…well, something needed to be done, before Pein figured out that anything was wrong and intervened himself. The man was dense, but throw enough dynamite at a mountain and eventually you'll blast a hole through. Konan would rather not wait that long for this dilemma to be resolved; on the other hand, she didn't want to butt in to Deidara's personal business unless she absolutely had to. Fortunately for her, fate didn't keep her on hold much longer.

One day, when the base had been mostly emptied of its inhabitants (including Sasori, who'd been sent on a mission out of the country), Konan had been walking down the hallway towards the kitchen to get dinner, when a tanned arm shot out of a doorway and yanked her inside a bedroom, slamming and locking the door shut behind her.

Konan was about to give her attacker one hell of a paper cut before she realized that the assailant was none other than Deidara. "Deidara, what the hell was that for?"

"Sorry, but I really needed to talk to you privately, un," Deidara explained, arms held up in a gesture to assure her he meant no harm. "Please?"

"Fine," Konan agreed, still somewhat miffed at her friend. "What is it?"

"It's about Sasori," Deidara slowly began.

Konan's frustration evaporated in an instant. Was the blond really about to confess what she already knew? No, best not to jump the gun too quickly. There was still hope she could stay out of this. "What about him?" Konan replied.

"Well, um…Pein's a lot stronger than you, right? So you guys have had a few accidents before in bed, un?"

Konan raised a brow; where was this coming from? "A couple times, yes, but what does that-"

"I need you to make Sasori have sex with me," Deidara blurted out, cheeks turning bright red as he did so.

What? No, wait…what? "Deidara," Konan began, fumbling for the right words. Of all the things she'd expected to hear, that had definitely not been one of them. "Um…why are you asking me? I'm kind of a girl, in case you didn't notice."

"You're the only one I can ask, un," Deidara explained, cheeks still bright red. "Hidan likes it when Kakuzu's super rough, and hell will freeze over before I go to that damn Uchiha for advice, un. And Pein's stronger than you, so you guys are the most likely to have had accidents in the course of your relationship-"

"Wait, you two are actually dating? Since when?"

"A while now," Deidara admitted. "I thought you knew. Everyone else figured it out, un. Well, everyone but Pein in the ass, but he likes to pretend the noises coming from our rooms isn't happening, un."

Konan ignored her self-directed annoyance for not figuring out that the artists were together, choosing instead to focus on the blond's apparent relational difficulties. "Now, when you say I need to make Sasori…you know…why does he need convincing?"

"Because apparently Sasori danna thinks I'm made of butterfly wings and Venetian glass, un, and just because we've had a few mishaps he thinks sex is impossible for us!"

"Mind clarifying for me?"

"Where to start," Deidara groaned, mentally going through his tales of woe to try and figure out what to say. "Well we tried doing it on the bed once, but I accidentally head-butted Sasori and got a black eye, un. He spent the rest of the night trying to make sure it didn't swell up too badly. Then there was another time when I tried to pounce on him in the shower, and he thought I was attacking him and smashed me into the side of the tub, un! And _then_, when we were super close to finally doing it, he noticed that he'd been squeezing my hips a little too hard and they were bruised, so he stopped and spent the rest of the night apologizing for hurting me, un!" Deidara let out a whine of irritation and buried his fingers in his hair, twisting the golden locks out of sheer frustration. "I could go on, but you get the general idea."

"_Holy crap, Sasori's a huge softy,"_ Konan thought to herself.

"So, do you think you could help me, un?" Deidara begged, eyes wide and shimmering with hope.

"Haven't you two talked about this?" the blue-haired ninja asked, desperately wanting to avoid this month's edition of Deidara drama.

"I've tried, but he won't listen to me, un! Danna's never this difficult, but he won't budge on this."

Konan raised a brow at the blond's declaration, deciding to press her friend for further details. "When you say he's never this difficult…" the woman allowed her voice to drift off, motioning for the blond to fill in the blank.

Deidara looked around the room for a moment, as though wanting to be extremely certain that they were all alone. "Don't tell anyone I told you this, but danna is really bad at saying no to me, un. If I want something, I only have to ask once or twice and he gives it to me, no matter what it is. And the worst part is, I know he really wants this too, but he won't do anything about it because he's scared of hurting me, un!"

"_Forget being a softy, Deidara's got Sasori whipped."_

"I've tried reasoning, I've tried begging, but it's like talking to one of his puppets, un! Please Konan, you're the only person I trust around here who isn't completely insane. Just tell him that there's ways for us to make it work."

"Deidara-"

"Please?" the blond begged with puppy eyes.

Curses. Konan had no defense to that strategy. Defeated, the origami mistress agreed to the blond's request, all the while wondering what she was going to say to Sasori without betraying her conversation with Deidara, or getting herself gutted by the Akasuna for talking to him about his inadequacies in bed.

-mm-

Fortunately for her health, Konan was given an excellent opportunity to talk with Sasori a few days later, when the Akasuna snatched her out of the hallway and dragged her into his workshop. Really, Konan was going to have to talk to Pein about passing a "no snatching Konan when she's minding her own damn business" rule. "Konan, we need to talk."

"Why was it necessary to kidnap me?"

"I hardly consider my actions kidnapping," Sasori flatly replied as he sat down at his workbench. Once Konan was seated across from him in the room's extra chair, the redhead began to speak again. "More like forceful persuasion. Anyway, I need to speak with you about a rather personal matter. Can I trust you not to disclose to anyone what we're about to discuss?"

"You know that depends on whether the information would be important to Pein or not."

"Well I highly doubt Sir Leader would find anything important about my sex life," Sasori grumbled, eyes looking to a screwdriver on his workbench as he spoke.

Konan, to no one's surprise, was rather taken aback by Sasori's confession. The redhead was normally so uptight and private about his own affairs; why was he choosing to speak about them now? And more importantly, why with her? "You're having sex issues?"

"Not exactly," the puppet master admitted, fiddling with the screwdriver as he spoke. "I'd need to actually be having sex for that label to apply."

"What's the problem, then? _And why is it necessary to involve me_?" she thought to herself.

"I need you to…it's more or less…gah! In laymen's terms, Deidara desperately wants to have sex, but we've been having various problems whenever I attempt coitus with him, and it's putting a strain on our relationship."

Yeesh. Only Sasori could make sex with his significant other sound so clinical. "Problems?"

At this, Sasori shot the woman a pointed look. "Don't play dumb, Konan. I know you've noticed the bumps and bruises on Deidara recently, just as I've noticed you glaring death at me whenever you see them. It's imperative that I learn how to avoid situations that would result in Deidara getting injured."

"Why is this so important to you?" Konan couldn't help but ask. "I understand that guys and sex go together like peanut butter and jelly, but you seem rather…belligerent about this, I guess."

Sasori sighed, focus returning to the screwdriver in his hands. "Much as I hate to admit it, I can't refuse Deidara anything. If he wants it, he'll eventually get it. It pains me to say it, but part of the reason Deidara is such a brat is because I spoil him so much."

Konan bit her cheek to keep from smirking, albeit she still needed a moment to compose herself before speaking again. "So this is just because Deidara wants sex?" Kami, she sounded like a therapist now.

"Of course not!" Sasori snapped. "Have you seen Deidara without his cloak on?"

"A few times-"

"Then picture something twice as unbelievably sensual/gorgeous when he's naked, and you'll have a vague idea of what I come home to lying in my bed!" Sasori paused his rant there, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath. "I want this as much as he does, if not more so, but nothing is worth causing him pain. I understand that you and Pein make it work, despite the fact that he is much stronger than you physically. I need advice that will make both of us happy, which requires Deidara not to suffer injuries."

Dear Kami, how was Konan supposed to explain anything to such a grouchy, clinical person as Sasori? "Well, keep him away from headboards and the bathtub until you get really good at monitoring your surroundings."

"Continue."

"Um…watch his face to see whether he likes something or not."

"Anything else?"

Konan sighed, deciding to go ahead and lay all her cards on the table. "Look, Sasori, there is really only one thing you can do to avoid these problems."

"I'm listening."

"Practice. Just keep going until you get it right! Sex is messy, and smells weird, and makes funny noises and involves body parts coming into other body parts at weird angles and awkward speeds. You're going to mess it up and humiliate yourselves countless times before you finally get it right. Don't throw in the towel because you get a couple black eyes or create weird stains on the sheets. Practice makes perfect; you both are artists, so you should know that better than anyone."

"Surely it can't be that simple," Sasori argued.

"I promise you, it is. Just grab Deidara, lock yourselves in the bedroom, and try different things until you figure out something that works."

"You sound like the motivational posters Pein hangs in his office."

"Well maybe you should listen to this motivational poster, unless you want to live a miserable, sexless life with Deidara in a permanent state of unhappiness with you."

"Fine. I will attempt your wild, vague idea of what is going to prevent injuries to Deidara. But heaven help you if this ends terribly for one or both of us."

-mm-

Konan wasn't terribly surprised that for the next week, Deidara still came into the kitchen with various bruises or wounds on his person; it wasn't like they were going to get it right on the first try. Still, despite the marks on the blond, Konan was pleased to see that at least Sasori and Deidara were on better terms with one another, talking in a civil manner and even smiling now and again. Finally, after a good eight days of waiting for progress, something happened.

Konan was sitting at the countertop one morning, deciding whether she'd start her day off by training or finding Pein and playing a rousing game of hide-the-mission-report-somewhere-in-my-cloak. As she was pondering today's schedule, Sasori and Deidara came into the room with Sasori carrying a bag over his shoulders. That's right, Sasori was due to leave on another solo mission today.

The artists seemed to be in rather good spirits, given that they weren't normally morning people. Sasori was smiling slightly with a hand resting lightly on Deidara's hip, and Deidara was beaming widely, hugging Sasori tightly as the Akasuna gave him a farewell kiss. Slowly, it dawned on Konan what had prompted this upbeat aura around the duo, and she had to take a long drink of coffee to hide her smirk.

Her suspicions were confirmed a moment later, when Sasori walked out of the room and left her and Deidara alone. The bomber hurried across the room and tackled the blue-haired woman to squeeze her tightly, nearly making the woman choke on her coffee. "I take it things went well?" she asked, coughing a bit as she did so.

"It was great, un! We had a couple more mishaps, but danna finally got it right and it felt amazing!" Deidara laughed and squeezed her again. "Thank you Konan, un. I owe you for talking to him."

"No problem, Dei." Still smiling, the blond all but bounced out of the room. Konan finished her coffee with her own little grin, patting herself on the back for a job well done. Best of all, this didn't result in her getting her insides ripped out by Sasori, or blown to pieces by Deidara.

The origami mistress washed out her coffee cup and decided that while she was in such a good mood, she may as well go ahead and spend a little fun time with Pein. Mind made up, she briskly exited the kitchen and strolled down the hallway, deciding to head to her room and snatch up the file on her last mission that she had just "happened" to forget to turn in to him-

When she was suddenly grabbed and yanked out of the hallway into a side room.

Konan's hand was halfway done folding a crane before she realized that her assailant was none other than Kisame. "Konan, I need to talk to you," he began, looking rather nervous. "And it's kind of private."

Oh yes, Konan was definitely going to have a word with Pein about instituting a "no bothering Konan when she's minding her own damn business" rule.


End file.
